Every single parent knows that their child are copy-cats. In reality, they mimic so frequently, and so perfectly, that they are practically “copy machines”. They emulate what you say, how you utter it, and when you say it. They copy the way you move about, how you act, how you act in response to events, how you consider other people, and near enough everything else you do.
But we also understand that from time to time, we intend to teach them something, and they learn something else. For example, you’re trying to teach your child about gardening and how exciting it is to grow things, but they discover how to run away when they set eyes on a worm or a spider, creating a brand new lifetime terror (or plain “great repugnance”).
The snag is obviously that children learn at an extraordinary rate. They simply don’t reliably learn what you want them to learn. And it’s even worse because occasionally you don’t know (or don’t even reflect on) what you desire your child to learn.
But choosing what you need your child to learn is not important when you’re sitting alongside your infant trying to teach them something. Well, it is critical, but it’s obviously at the forefront of your thoughts. The crucial times are when you are not trying to explicitly teach your child something, but they are going to learn something nonetheless. It’s in these situations that you really need to be receptive to what your child is learning.
To give you an example, if you and your other half are in disagreement about something, and either of you swears and stamps off rather than dealing with the arguement sensibly and equitably, what will your child learn? Well, the foremost thing they’ll learn is a brand new word, one that you don’t need them shouting in public! The subsequent thing they’re apt to learn is: “when in a spat, stamp off rather than dealing with it.” Or something comparable that, in any case.
So realising that your son is going to learn something in EVERY circumstance they are in is essential. Choosing beforehand what you’d prefer them to learn is something altogether different. And that’s why the most critical empowering question for parents is: what do I want my child to learn from this?
If you can keep a question like this at the front of your mind as often as possible, and specifically where you are hugely demonstrative or reacting from habit, you’ll start to have a terrific knack to affect your child even more than you do currently. You’ll be able to show them more of how you yearn for them to conduct themselves, in a fashion that’s more like you on top form, as opposed to you at your worst. You’ll be able to congruently say “do what I do AND say”, without distressing so much about your words and behaviour being aligned. You’ll be capable of telling your child as they age why you do the things you do, knowing that they’ll previously have had years of being near you as you act according to your ethics and standards.
But… you will only succeed in doing this if you have a critical attitude that parents need to maintain, something that makes this empowering question valuable. Without help, the question is valuable, but it’s not the only thing you need to have.
Read part 2 of this article to find out what that way of thinking is…
